The line that didn't show

I never want to hear your name again.

If this test is negative.

I never want to fall victim again,

to the thrillers in my mind.

Even though, there, they have a happy ending.

She unpacks the ripe avocado and OJ just like the stick she‘s about to pee on.

There was a pregnant lady at the table next to her at dinner last night, and well,

She’s late.

She’s late,

just like you were in telling her you were never gonna hold her in that way.

The way that would make her feel safe peeing on a stick.

So she has good reasons.

Good reasons,

just like you did to hold your cards close,

just like you did to one day show up and say

I’ve never had goodbye sex, I hope this is not that.

A pink box on the counter.

So out of place,

just like the extra bag of spaghetti that doesn’t fit in the container.

You’d think we’re used to waiting for lines

not to appear by now.

But it never stops,

the sliver of doubt that makes you trip downwards on a staircase into a future you didn’t choose.

The eternal minutes are spent updating a friend with psychic abilities.

An update consisting out of three dots and the words so far so good.

So far,

it looks like she won’t have to go to the places her mind already went.

She won’t have to say we need to talk

and yes, it’s urgent

or it takes two, you know.

She won’t have to stand before her parents and reveal that she is not the one to

break the cycle after all.

She won’t have to make a decision no woman ever wants to but every single one should be able to consider.

She won’t have to utter the words will you stay with me when I take the meds, I heard it’s painful?

She won’t have to

because the line doesn’t show.

What does

is the relief,

and the shame.

The shame

over the deepest darkest fact that part of her wanted that line to show.

Not because she wanted to be a mother

but because she wanted to feel loved.

The shame

over her thoughts that took her so far down a hole, to such lengths she was willing to endure immense pain

if it meant to be held throughout it.

A lesson she’s learned,

where there is light,

there is darkness,

where there is love,

there is pain.

But what they are not,

is one and the same.

So,

I never want to hear your name again.